I'm money-conscious and always look for cheaper options when it comes to things I enjoy. However, my close friends all have much more lucrative jobs than I do (all of them earn six-figure salaries) and are often happy to splurge $200 on a meal for no special occasion. It's not uncommon for them to spend $500 on a bottle of wine. I love fine dining and luxury items as much as the next person, but I can't afford it, nor do I want to, for every group get-together.
I'm not envious of their lifestyle because they are all generous, friendly people who work hard and deserve every penny they earn. I just think they forget that some people (me) still live on a modest budget. Suggesting things like game nights and budget-friendly meals seems so basic compared to what they normally do, and I'm almost embarrassed because I'm not sure if they'll come. How do I let them know that their idea of casual hookups is outside of my tax bracket without offending them or coming across as stingy? I'm worried that if I start turning down dates with these expensive friends, I'll see them less and become alienated from the people who matter most to me. And in the long run, how can I save my bank account while still staying in touch with them?
In this economy? Ten years ago, while I was working as a freelance writer and editor for a publication I will not name, I found myself in financial difficulty after a few late paychecks and had my car repossessed. (Repossession is a very disconcerting and, yes, depressingly funny experience. You wake up one morning thinking your car has been stolen. You call the police, and they say, “Well, you're not the victim of a crime. You're just a broken“)
I managed to scrape together the money and get my car back, but ever since then, whenever I hear the “beep beep beep” sound of a big truck backing up, I feel a little anxious that the tow truck will come and take my car again, even though my current car is paid for in full.
What you went through financially in your “poor upbringing” is traumatic, and what you are experiencing now, at least that prompted you to write to me, is the shame.
This is not something to be ashamed of. And it's not something unique. In America, we corrupt the mind by making people who are tight on money, struggling, or poor believe that their financial situation is evidence of moral failings. I believed this misconception when I was younger, when my parents didn't have much money. As I got older, instead of disappearing, that belief spread in new, subtle, and troubling ways in places I least expected it. I'm doing much better now than I was a decade ago, but I still haven't been able to completely rid myself of that shame. I'm getting better at finding it, sure, but it won't go away.
What I'm saying is, if you remove the shame, your request becomes simple: “Hey Braidlynn and Topanga, can we try something more creative and less expensive to go out because we can't have all-you-can-drink mimosa brunches every weekend.” But what's blocking and holding you back from your vision is that you've convinced yourself that your relative lack of money is something to be ashamed of… attackit might alienate your friends.
If they're a worthy friend, you should trust them and be honest with them, and they should be happy to accommodate you. There's a good chance they think you're doing well enough to hang out with them, because you are. You should also know that your situation is not uncommon. There are probably other tables at these pricey brunches filled with friend groups with similar dynamics. Some are enjoying their brunch in peace, while others are furtively checking their bank balances on their phones and quietly negotiating whether the waffle station is worth the looming overdraft fee (depending on the waffle).
Also, are you sure Braedlynn and Topanga are doing as well as they say they are? One thing I've learned in my life of pretending to have more money than I actually do is that some of the people I thought were doing much better than me were playing the same game. (And you'd be amazed at how many people have six-figure incomes and still live payday before.) Speaking up can help relieve other friends of the pressure of “fake” that they're feeling too.
Sometimes the solution to a problem is obvious and easy. This is obvious and hard. But you have to find a way to tell your friends about your situation before you run out of money. But most importantly, find a way to let go of that shame. If it helps, try to remind yourself that it's not your fault.
