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Mr. Paydirt
My husband and I both grew up in poverty. And unfortunately, instead of protecting us from it, our parents were the kind of parents who never made us forget that we and our siblings were a burden. We both endured housing and food insecurity as children before becoming the first in our families to attend college. Now my husband has a serious problem with “rich people”.
He gets very cranky about signs that people have material wealth, especially if they have been generationally wealthy. Anyone who drives a nice car, goes to private school, doesn't have student loans, had to go to summer camp as a kid, etc. makes him feel grumpy and weird. Masu. For example, I just told him about a friend of mine who surprised her young daughter with tickets to see Taylor Swift this weekend and showed her a cute video of her daughter jumping up and down when she heard the news. His reaction was so salty and negative that he just scoffed and ended the conversation with a bitter taste. This was easy when we were young and broke and so were all our friends. But now, let's be honest, we're pretty middle class ourselves. We prioritize owning a home, driving a decent car, and traveling abroad several times a year. And increasingly so do my friends.I say my Because it's incredibly difficult to connect with people he considers “wealthy,” even if their circumstances are similar to ours, and knowing they're receiving help from their parents. Even more so when you are.
I wish I could just roll with this, but I was getting more and more nervous. I get that — her parents were terrible to me every time I needed $5 for a school trip — but bringing that hurt to a little girl who is excited to go to a concert is gross and unconscionable. It feels kind and narrow-minded. Especially since we are such people now. I'm not bitter because everyone we know can afford to send their kids to summer camp. I feel sorry for all the children who don't have the opportunity to have that experience, and for the parents who desperately need the support they can't afford. “We should be kinder to the rich and the rich” is a deathly weird pile, but it comes up when relatively normal people are doing fun things and are financially stable. I'm tired of the shitty attitude. Obviously he needs therapy, but in a cultural moment that preys on the rich and rightly criticizes billionaires, he thinks his disdain for the middle class is normal and justified. It seems there is. In my opinion, his behavior is mean and misanthropic, leading to social isolation. How should I approach him about this?
—We were able to do it too.
Dear we made it too,
As you said, it sounds like your husband needs therapy. It's certainly possible that childhood poverty is related to financial trauma, and he seems to be dealing with it. This hatred and ambivalence towards wealth is probably just one way for him to cope with his difficult upbringing. I know it's frustrating when you're on the receiving end, but especially now that you've found another way to make peace with a similar life. But when you talk to him about this, don't lead with such anger.
Tell him that you are worried about him. Explain that he has had anger from an early age and that you feel that it may be hurting him and causing him to push away people in his life, including you. (He doesn't even seem to realize how much his comments are affecting you.) Showing love and understanding instead of being irritated will encourage him to try financial therapy and improve his wealth. They may be more open to listening to you and your perspective on building a comfortable life. . You can use this directory to help him find a financial therapist. In the meantime, check out some resources to help you understand what's going on on his side. Apology for Money: A very short guide to the ambiguity of money as a benefactor and destroyer Written by Karl Rudolf Svozil, Solutions to financial anxietyby Lindsay Brian Podvin, is a great place to start.
–Athena
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