- A few years ago, my son came out as non-binary.
- First, I had to learn what being non-binary meant to my teen and how I could be a better ally.
- We take children to a safe place and at the same time make sure their home and school are safe for them too.
A few years ago, our youngest child came out as non-binary at age 13.
At the time, I had no idea what it meant, no one to ask for advice, and as a mother, I felt lost, confused, and unsure of how to support my child.
Over the last few years, my son has taught me what it means to be non-binary. — Beyond definition, they helped me understand how to be an ally, how to support, how to help face daily challenges, and how to be a safe space.
First I had to learn what non-binary meant.
From the day my child came out as non-binary, I began searching for definitions and experiences to have an informed conversation with him.
I found a definition that resonated with me: The Human Rights Campaign defines non-binary as “an adjective that describes someone who does not identify exclusively as male or female. Non-binary people may identify as both male and female, somewhere in between, or outside of these categories entirely.”
I learned that the true experts on their experiences and meanings are my kids, so I asked my teens to talk about what nonbinary means to them and their preferred pronouns.
My kids use “they/them” pronouns, so it was hard for me to use new pronouns at first, but I learned to correct them quickly when they made a mistake, and that it's okay for them to correct me when I make a mistake.
Ultimately, my son told me he doesn't like labels and wants to be recognized as a person, not a gender or sexual orientation.
I had to learn what it meant to be an ally for my kids.
Being an ally requires a variety of actions, including using correct pronouns and names, educating ourselves, creating safe spaces, and educating others.
In the beginning, I made the mistake of relying on my kids to tell me or explain what non-binary means. I didn't realize I was putting a burden on them. Now, we check in with each other to see if they want me to talk to them, if they want to talk, or if they just don't want to say anything unless it's necessary.
Sometimes I'm proactive. I've shared what it means to be non-binary with coworkers, friends, grandparents, and other parents. Educating others raises awareness, which is key to creating a more accepting and safer world for children.
My kids also wear “They, Them, Theirs” pins almost every day. When we're out and about, it's a friendly reminder for everyone to use the appropriate pronouns.
We have found a safe place and visit it often.
Our local coffee shop proudly displays the Progress Pride flag, signaling that it's a safe and tolerant place, and it also has gender-neutral restrooms, which is important to my teenage kids.
Where else do they have gender neutral restrooms? A therapist's office. The facts and statistics on LGBTQ+ suicide rates are dire. Therapy brings peace of mind. They know they have someone they can trust and are speaking to regularly with a trained professional.
I have also learned to make sure my home is a safe place – we fly Pride flags outside and inside to make it clear to visitors that it is a safe place, and we always ask for and use the preferred names and pronouns of our children's friends.
Finding and creating a safe space for children helps them feel accepted and supported.
We had to learn how to navigate high school life.
High school is an opportunity for any kid to explore, learn about themselves, and find their peers.
This can be difficult for LGBTQ+ youth, especially those who identify as non-binary, like my teenage child.
We had to discuss restrooms, locker rooms, lunch rooms, etc. I wanted my child to feel like school was another safe place, so I discussed accommodations with the guidance counselor.
One of the things our high school does is allow children to change in the nurse's office and use the unisex staff restrooms.
All of these lessons have helped my child feel safe in a world that isn't always accepting of non-binary people.
