That's so strange. Just a year ago, we were both worried about the same thing, but we ended up coming back to financial worries. I still worry about that and how to gently disappoint the decorator she decided not to hire. Because she found someone better.
I'm not a materialistic person, but this is weighing heavily on me and I'm worried that it will hurt our friendship. How can I prevent that from happening?
envy: My youngest sister and her husband are very successful in business and are very wealthy. She and I have remained close throughout her life and I value this relationship very much. You may think this is different from your situation since she is her sister, but let me say that our other siblings distance themselves from her because of her wealth. .
My girlfriend and I had a conversation a few years ago where we acknowledged the differences in our financial situations and set some guidelines to avoid making a relationship about her wealth. It's clear that I can't buy everything she can do. When she (or her husband) invites me to expensive places, they pay and I happily oblige. I express gratitude by enjoying myself and their company. If I offer them treatment, they have to accept, because that's my signal that I can afford it.
It's not wrong to think that your friend has changed simply because he or she is better off financially than you. Unless, of course, she changes and flaunts her own wealth. My sister is the same kind, generous, and wonderful person she always has been. Please have the courage to start this conversation and “negotiate terms.” Make your friendship not about money, but about all of your values. If she's a friend worth keeping, she'll value a friend from you.
envy: Some friendships survive big life changes, while others don't. But to know that for sure, I would like to exercise kindness, patience, and understanding. why? Because it sounds like you're very close, very close, and have a lot in common. That's a rarity in today's world. A good friendship is worth a second or even a third try when you feel stuck.
I'll wait a while. Your friend's excitement about your newfound wealth may level off. The new and wonderful becomes the new normal and is no longer a topic of conversation. After a while, if the decorator crisis doesn't subside, I'm willing to openly discuss how the new dynamic doesn't seem to be meeting your friendship needs. Your friend's reaction will tell you if she's just going through a phase, or if she's dating a completely new person who's no longer a good fit for you.
If the latter happens, consider how often friendships cannot be maintained if geographically separated. Therefore, it is normal for friendships to become unsustainable when new economic distance arises.
envy: True friendship, not superficial friendship of convenience, is about caring for the other person and their welfare. Their living conditions are just window dressing. I would like to ask myself what she feels beneath her concern for her decorator. Is she worried about hurting other people's feelings? Does she feel uncomfortable in her new environment, or does she feel like an impostor? Essentially, a universal human emotion that she has What is ~?
You can connect on that deeper level, and as her friend, all she needs is someone to listen without judging. She will do the same for you. Of course, there may be superficial friendships, and that's okay too. If so, if you can't get over the changes in her life, it may be time to gently and gracefully let go of the friendship. In the end, it will be better for both of you.
envy: Since you say you no longer want to have a relationship with her, it sounds like your friendship has already been damaged. It's interesting that she doesn't give an example, even though I think she feels the same way.
Ask yourself if you're making false or unfair assumptions about your friends. When you're together, it's good to direct the conversation to things you still have in common. And ask yourself if your reaction is a defense against your fear that she's no longer interested in maintaining the friendship, and you're looking for a way to make sure of that.
We don't want to create fertile ground for self-fulfilling prophecies. Find common ground and have fun together. Like I've always done.
Each week, we ask our readers to answer questions submitted to Carolyn Hax in live chat or via email. Read last week's article here. New questions are usually posted on Thursdays and submissions are due on Mondays. Responses are anonymous unless identified and edited for length and clarity.
