- Having children was never on Barbara Pazur's bucket list.
- At the age of 40, she unexpectedly became pregnant and decided to have a baby with her boyfriend, but their relationship did not last long.
- Currently, between caring for her sick mother and raising her daughter, she has no interest in dating.
It's been four years since my partner and I broke up, and the world of dating has become a distant memory. As a single mother, I rebuilt my life around new priorities. — My daughter's future and rediscovering herself.
Being a mother, much less a single mom, was never on my bucket list. In front of my daughter, I was a rolling stone. Until I met my now ex-boyfriend, my lifestyle was based on moving abroad and spontaneous travel.
We lived and worked in Dublin and just a few months after we started dating, I got pregnant. It didn't seem possible and we were using protective gear, but it was only two days after my last period.
But our age, I was 40 years old. And given the fact that this was a first for both of us, we thought this was a miraculous sign that we should have a baby and start a family. Although we didn't have a formal wedding, we considered ourselves married and lived together.
Despite our efforts, our story did not go the way we had imagined.
A year of bad news
After my maternity leave ended, I decided to quit my job and focus on my daughter. The constant quarrels filled the house with negativity and I began to suffocate. I didn't want my baby to be surrounded by toxic substances, so I made the decision for our safety and well-being. I told him to leave the house when she was 6 months old.
During those difficult months, doctors diagnosed my mother with a chronic disease that could progress to acute myeloid leukemia within 10 years. My mother has always been my rock, my hero, and supported me through every hardship, including separation. Now that she was sick and a widow, it was my turn to take care of her.
My entire life was falling apart. I had never felt so anxious, hopeless, and miserable. I was broken on many levels and needed time to readjust and heal. I didn't feel like I was living my life. It kept me alive.
After putting my daughter to bed, at the end of a long and tiring day, I cried myself to sleep. For both my daughter and my mother, I had to keep going, so I found strength and joy in the small moments. I ate her daughter's first clap, her teeth, her words, her footsteps, etc.
I found a loving community in an unexpected place.
About two years after my dire situation, a family friend invited me to a Bible study group. As I am not religious and am more interested in Eastern spirituality, this was the last place I expected to find solace. I have always found Christians to be very critical.
To my surprise, that wasn't the case. They accepted me into their little group of outcasts. Two old women with tragic pasts, a woman their age in an unhappily married life with adult children, a teenage orphan, and a single grandpa.
It was a group that I had nothing in common with and I could never relate to them in any scenario. But they accepted me unconditionally and provided a lifeline during my darkest days.
We met once a week and studied the Bible for two hours. They shared their concerns with each other, gave advice, and enjoyed the home-cooked meals they each brought. I still meet with them whenever I can.
I'm happy that we're not dating
These days, I'm focused on providing my daughter with a stable, loving home.
Partly due to lack of time and energy, but mainly because my daughter is at a critical developmental stage. I don't want her to feel like she's not good enough and that she needs to seek her love outside of her home.
My priority is to raise her to be a strong, independent, independent woman who leads by example, rather than desperately searching for a “savior” through a series of relationships.
Nurturing new relationships requires time, effort, and emotional capacity, which I don't have. My days are filled with caring for my parents, housework responsibilities, helping my mother, and running a small business, so I have little energy for love.
I decided to devote my time and attention to my daughter. Instead of spending time waxing and getting your hair and makeup ready for a bad date, have lunch, watch a movie, sing Disney songs together in the car, and collapse into bed at the end of the day. , I want to spend a perfect day with her. I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Do I sometimes feel lonely without a man? of course. I miss intimacy, I miss sex, I miss adult conversations, I miss having someone to carry the heavy burdens for me.
I remain open to finding love again someday, but I'm equally at peace with the journey I'm on. My priority right now is my daughter. She created her core memories for her and seeing her smile far outweighs any personal desire I may have.
My journey has not been easy, but it has led me to a place of peace, strength, and hope.
Do you have a personal essay about life as a single parent that you would like to share? Contact the editor: akarplus@businessinsider.com.
