Fun fact: The Summer Olympics are just over two months away. Personally, she had never thought about the Summer Olympics until Flava Flav's collaboration with USA Women's Water Polo was announced. I can't believe the Olympics are coming. But every few years, I randomly open Twitter and find some country I've never heard of proudly parading through their opening ceremony in their finest Halloween costumes, and I'm like, “Oh, it's Olympic time.'' I think.
Odd Andersen. Getty Images.
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I look at the Summer Olympics (especially events like water polo) as a nice biennial treat. Enjoy it like a delicious snack 3-6 times a day for several weeks.
“Oh, it's Biewen Zhang, the Chinese badminton master. She's really cute. Her movements are graceful. It's adorable how much this lawn game means to her… Well, it was a fun 10 minutes. Other things It's time to go. I'll be back in two hours to watch the Dutch canoe.”
But prominent celebrity Flavor Fluff seems to be trying to change the minds of people like me who treat the Olympics like a Swiss roll we stumbled upon at a gas station. Flavor Flav has made it her mission to bring women's water polo to the masses. You may not know them now, but by the end of the summer, names like Dennis Mammolito, Emily Ausmus, and Maddie Musselman will be ringing loudly from sea to shining sea.
I love what Fluff is doing here. This is really something that should be done with the Olympic athletes and entire teams. Every event in the Olympics should have at least one celebrity assigned to it. There are still a few months until the Olympics, so there's still plenty of time to make that happen. So, for the Stiles, who happen to be in partnership with the Olympic Committee, here are some pairings that I think would be great:
Handball – LeBron James, Patrick Mahomes, Christian Pulisic
This pairing of the best athletes in our country’s most popular sport will reignite the narrative that has always surrounded Olympic handball: that our best athletes could easily become the best handball players in the world if they wanted to.
That will give our handball players the motivation to prove the world wrong. And conversely, if Team USA handball is about to lose the game, they can just go the other way and say, “Fuck you…go for it, LeBron, we want the gold medal.”
Weightlifting – Mark Wahlberg
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The only people in the world that Mark Wahlberg would like to have more relationships with than professional weightlifters are first responders and the military. But I'm sure weightlifters are firmly in third place on his list. And if Marks becomes the face of the world's leading professional weightlifter. America, and in some roundabout way that technically makes him a war hero, in his mind. Either way, he will lead Team USA to the best it can be. He's going to get everyone up at 3am for an Instagram workout. He plans to give them any combination of supplements that happen to be on sale during the Olympics. The supplements will almost certainly cause the entire team to test positive for banned substances. But up until that point, it was a match made in heaven.
And if for some reason weightlifting didn't want him, I think Mark would also be a great fencer. The Vietnamese have no chance of winning.
Katt Williams – Boat
Jeff Kravitz. Getty Images.It's an obvious choice if you ask me. First of all, Katt Williams is hysterical. Rowers are notoriously strict, coming from wealthy, high-pressure Ivy League families who never live up to their parents' expectations. But maybe… just maybe… if they win gold at the 2024 Olympics, their fathers will approve and pat them on the shoulder. These people can use comedic relief to break the ice.
Even better, Katt Williams is small enough to actually be a member of the team. He can play the role of a cockman who sits at the front of the boat, shouting obscenities and setting the rhythm for the rowers.
I can't think of a more perfect captain than Katt Williams, who is just under 5 feet tall, always excited, and always sweating. Imagine Kat sitting at the front of the boat. He cruises through the ocean at 20 miles per hour without moving his hair perfectly. Lead a team of wealthy white trust-fund kids to an Olympic gold medal. You won't believe it.
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Archery/Shooting – Suge Knight
Kevork Jansesjian. Getty Images.The only problem is that Suge Knight is in the middle of a 28-year sentence for manslaughter. It may be difficult to convince a Las Vegas judge to grant Shug a layoff so he can board a plane to Europe and cheer on the Olympic team. But I can't think of a better celebrity to partner with the shooting team than Shug. Technically, Suge Knight is in prison for killing someone with his car. However, he is skilled with guns. Olympians will respect his experience in the field of shooting. Plus, he would scare the athletes to the point where they wouldn't dare remove the bullseye.
Karate – Steven Seagal
Chris Unger. Getty Images.
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People often forget that at 72 years old, Steven Seagal is still the greatest hand-to-hand combatant on the planet. Technically, he's practicing the art of Aikido, but that's close enough. For 99% of Americans, Aikido is the same thing. For those who don't believe in Seagal's prowess on the mat, here's a video that proves his abilities.
The wisdom he imparted to Team USA will be invaluable and will surely help them win gold.
Canoe – Jeff Probst
Fun fact: canoeing and rowing are actually two different sports.
Jeff Probst has made a career out of loudly encouraging (both positive and negative) competitors in beach/water sports. If American canoeists aren't canoeing to their fullest potential, Jeff is going to condescendingly make them hear about it. He will feel free to insult and criticize Olympians to ensure they perform at their best.
“Tanner is rowing like a woman now!!! Are you heading to a picnic or are you heading towards the finish line?!! You gotta want it more than that No!!! This is survivor Olympic!!!! $ 1,000,000 $37,500 ONLINE!!!!!!
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Gymnastics – Livvie Dunn
Nothing motivates our daughters more than another girl who is far less talented than them, but whose charm makes her invest her gymnastics skills into millions and millions of dollars. and was able to build a career that financially established her and her family for generations, whereas real Olympians only have short periods in their careers before being old enough to rent a car. Earn a limited amount of money. On top of that, you'll especially love the fact that Liviby Dunn takes her 150% of the attention away from the competition. This allows the gymnast to focus more on the task at hand. Livivy's Instagram post of her standing in the center of the podium with her back to America will go viral.
