Getting old is hell.
First, you'll realize that presidential elections are going to be stupid for the rest of your life. This year's election pits two guys high on Geritol against each other.
The Democratic incumbent is from the Silent Generation. The Republican incumbent is one of the oldest Baby Boomers (Class of 1946). Neither of them had the chance to watch television for the first few years of their lives, which probably worked to their advantage.
To spice up the race, the unwinning challenger admitted he had been the victim of a brain worm.
Republican candidates are campaigning before the cleaning crews have finished cleaning up after the last inauguration. We're tired of a 3-year, 9-month-old presidential “race” that serves little more than TV networks selling pharmaceutical ads and candidates selling baseball caps.
I'm also tired of candidates who can't tell the difference between a small town and a Twinkie.
The nominees are so old (brainworm guy aside) that they're more familiar with Silly Putti and Buddy Holly than they are with digital pets and Taylor Swift.
The election seems to take forever, but it should be over in five months.
Here's my proposal: Every state would vote on the same day in a two-month primary election to narrow down the field of Democratic and Republican front-runners, and then the final candidates would tour America for a month.
I would also suggest a series of mental and physical tests, but I want these suggestions to be at least semi-realistic.
Once his US tour is over, a general election will be held in two months' time.
Now, by the time Oregon and Washington vote in their primaries, the two candidates are planning to have their faces carved into Mount Rushmore.
The biggest part of this reform is a month-long tour in which the candidate will visit all 50 states, shaking hands with residents of at least five towns in each state, including one town under 1,000 people, one town under 10,000 people, and one town (not a suburb) under 50,000 people.
They'll also visit “signature wonders” from each state, including Palouse Falls in Washington and the largest ball of twine in Kansas.
The Know Your America tour will help Republican candidates learn that “raking the forest” doesn't stop wildfires, and it will give Democratic candidates a glimpse into what life is like outside of the five or six battleground states that have determined the outcome of past elections.
In Wyoming, the candidates will really get a chance to prove their mettle: After touring towns and small cities, they will hop on horseback and ride with 99 of their closest Secret Service agents to Thorofare, the most remote location in the lower 48 states, just southeast of Yellowstone National Park.
They will learn that they don't need to pave over everything and monetize it.
Those who survive the journey, perhaps with a tan and a few days' worth of beard, will be allowed back on their normally scheduled missions.
Over the course of two months, candidates will be praised by enthusiastic supporters in battleground states and will appear on television to denounce each other.
Let's admit it: Candidates live in a protected bubble, surrounded by fans who cheer them on no matter how ridiculous or blitz-shark-like their statements, which puts them out of touch with the public.
It's time to learn about America beyond the big cities, bright lights and packed stages.
The bottom line is that elections are too long and too expensive, paid for by rich people who want favors in return. My plan would get TV networks to report real news, except for a five-month period during a presidential election every four years.
My plan might reconnect the candidates with America — or at least convince voters that a president could pick up a map and find Walla Walla.
