If you think your job is boring, imagine being tasked with fact-checking politics for the next four months. I'd rather clean the colonoscopy room at my local outpatient clinic.
I don't know if the 4th of July is a prayer holiday, but you could try praying anyway, like, “Please, Jesus, give our country a sane, cognitively sound presidential candidate.” It wouldn't hurt.
Maybe throw in a couple of regretful promises like, “If you put forward a sane, sensible candidate for president, I promise you I won't bomb anybody for six months.” In my opinion, you have to give a little to get a little. Maybe we could give the Indians back some land or something to lift this curse that's apparently come upon us. Not the red soil of Oklahoma, but the good land. Maybe Utah or Wyoming or the Carolina coasts.
I am a problem solver, don't hate me, while you are joking, I am the one trying to solve this problem.
Look, there are some actors who've played some pretty good presidents in movies who are still alive and seem relatively sane, so why not cancel the current election, put one of them in the presidency, and see what happens?
1- Daniel Day Lewis played Abraham Lincoln very well. I don't think he was a citizen, but let's not sweat the small stuff. If he can handle four years of Honest Abe, let's not sweat the small stuff. He's 67, which is young for a president.
2- Julia Louis-Dreyfus was a relatively solid VP in “Veep” by today's standards. Now seems like a good time to break through the glass ceiling, or glass fire alarm. Give her a chance.
3-Michael Douglas is still alive. He had a blast playing Andrew Shepherd in The American President. I mean, he got her and she wasn't a porn star. That's a step up, right? She was a lobbyist, but at least she wasn't a Chinese spy. Anyway, I don't know if he has any sympathy for Russia or China or whatever, but he looked good in a suit and was a pretty good dancer. Mike is 79, but maybe he should check his reflexes first.
4- I think Jamie Foxx had a stroke, but that's pretty common for White House staff. He was pretty good in White House Down, and it would save on security costs, Channing Tatum would be there and I think he could handle most of the security. Jamie is still young to be president, he's only 56, so he could serve 2-3 terms, even if this thing takes longer than expected to be resolved.
5-Kevin Spacey was pretty good as Francis Underwood in House of Cards. I know Kevin is creepy right now, but the White House staff knows how to deal with creeps on both sides of the aisle. Kevin is unemployed, so they'll jump on this. Just keep him away from the male interns and he'll be fine for another 2-3 years.
Complain all you want, but while you're setting off fireworks and drinking beer, I'm going to act as a patriotic duty and offer a solution on the Fourth of July. Perhaps it's time to look at ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves what we can do to fix this problem.
(You can contact Guy Speckman to resolve the presidential crisis)
