In her new documentary, “Renaissance,” Beyoncé admits something many of us hesitate to say: She was a people-pleaser.
“I've been a serial people-pleaser most of my life,” the historic Grammy winner says in the film (via Variety and the New York Times). But she's moved past it now. “At this point, I don't have anything I want to prove to anybody,” she adds. Fellow pop superstars have spoken out about similar behavior; Taylor Swift alludes to the tendency in her song “You're Losing Me”: “I wouldn't get married either/A pathological people-pleaser/I just wanted you to meet me.”
Being a people pleaser sounds like a nice enough thing. The barista got your name wrong on your coffee order? Fine. Insisted on it being your turn to take out the trash when it was your roommate's? Fine. Your partner always wants to watch romantic comedies and you just can't stand it?
wait a minute.
Let Beyoncé's decision to give up on pleasing people be your guide: Experts say prioritizing the wants and needs of others so much that you lose your own in the process is a dangerous practice, and one to avoid if you notice it as a pattern.
“People-pleasing can be like lighting a fire in order to keep someone else warm,” says counseling psychologist TM Robinson-Mosley, “and it often means overdoing it on yourself by prioritizing the wants and needs of others over your own.”
What does it mean to be a people pleaser?
Making others feel good isn't inherently problematic. “People do kind things for a variety of reasons: to feel good, to help, to give back, or, if it's reciprocity, to get a return or benefit,” Mosley says. “If you're doing that, it's the norm, it's pretty healthy, and it makes a lot of sense.”
It's more why Even if you're doing good things, “if you say yes to things because you're scared you'll be disliked or rejected, or you feel like there's some kind of negative consequence to it, that's a problem,” Mosley adds. Stars like Beyoncé and Swift are at the mercy of executives, managers, loved ones, and, of course, clamoring fans — situations in which saying “yes” may have worked at one time or another as an easy way out of trouble.
For people-pleasers in general, everything from disagreeing to simply sharing an opinion can feel dangerous.
What is the root of your desire to please others?
This mindset often develops through childhood experiences. “Perhaps when you were growing up, you were criticized, teased, or shamed for expressing your needs or making requests,” says Chelsea Cole, psychotherapist and best-selling author of If I Only Knew: How to Outwit a Narcissist, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Build Unshakable Self-Esteem. “Or maybe in a toxic relationship as an adult, you were ignored or threatened with abandonment when your needs clashed with your partner's.”
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Like putting the left shoe on the right foot, it rewires the brain: “Through these experiences, we become conditioned to disassociate from and ignore our own thoughts, feelings and beliefs, and to do what is expected of us rather than what feels authentic and healthy for us,” Cole adds.
Society conditions girls and women, especially, to be likable. “Young women are often identified as worrying about what others think of their appearance, their personality, and their drive to be liked,” says Alice Shepherd, clinical psychologist and owner of Mirielle Therapy Practice.
Are you good at pleasing people? And when it comes to being a bad person.
Sacrificing yourself for others isn't necessarily something to be proud of. “When you try too hard to please others, you can feel emotionally drained, resentful, extremely stressed and anxious, and sometimes feel like your time is limited because you've given time to others,” says Mosley. Burnout and depression can also rear their heads.
By giving up so much of yourself, you risk becoming a false version of yourself in your relationships: “Agreeing to save the relationship is actually ruining it,” Mosley adds.
So how do you know if you’re a people pleaser?
- “Do you often feel hesitant or nervous when expressing your feelings or thoughts?”
- “Do you feel like you have to choose between your needs and the needs of others?”
- “Do you ever worry that asking for something will cause you trouble?”
According to Cole, if you answer “yes” to these questions, you might be a people pleaser.
But simply accepting that this might be true isn't enough: “Extreme people-pleasers and those who insist on using flattery don't even feel like they're making a choice to please others; it feels like it's an automatic thing, like pulling your hand away from a hot stove.”
Therapy may help people uncover the underlying causes of their people-pleasing behavior: low self-esteem or traumatic experiences. Left unchecked, “the primary effects of people-pleasing we see are anger, frustration, and resentment,” Mosley says.
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How to Overcome the Need to Please Others
Humans are like rubber bands — “they can only stretch so far, then they snap,” says Mosley — so it's best to tackle your tendency to please head on.
- Establish boundaries. “If you find yourself constantly regretting your decision to put others first, if it's negatively impacting your ability to look after your own well-being (mental, physical, emotional and spiritual), or if you're starting to feel resentful, then it's a sign that this issue needs to be addressed,” says Raquel Martin, licensed clinical psychologist.
- Start small. Before you get into a confrontation with friends or family, tell the barista your name once and for all.
- Be kind to yourself. “You shouldn't hurt yourself by helping others,” Cole says, “and if you do, seek professional help.”
When in doubt, listen to Beyoncé: Don't let anyone hurt your soul.
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